Monday, November 8, 2010

A to B... but not in a straight line

Ok people. I'm doing this right now because Wayne was right yesterday at church. (or was it Red? I dunno) Either way, he said something to the effect of: you can be full of faith today at church, but if you're not careful, the enemy will come in on Monday and try and steal it.
It was something like that, but I'm sure more eloquently put. But this probably doesn't make any sense to you, so I'll back up.

I've been thinking for the past few days that I need to get bloggin' again. I was reading a few different ones and they were so great that I was inspired. Kind of. I was inspired in the "thinking about what I'd say while in the shower" way. The thought of actually getting on the computer and collecting my thoughts and taking the time to write them out, when I could still be in the shower was a bit daunting.

But here I am. I am, by Intelligent Design, a very right brained person. That means that if I don't regularly get some of my creativity out, I tend to freak out a little. Or a lot. Ask the Ladies' Group. So here goes, I'll try to regather some of my awesome thoughts from earlier in the week and set them down for you to see.

Two weeks ago, I was in a very different frame of mind than I am today. To put it delicately, I was a freakin' basket case! I was mad at my kids, I was mad at my husband, I was mad at my life. To top it all off, I had no idea why. Ever have those days where you're blubbering like a circus sideshow and you can't control or stem the tide? It was like that.

I know you may think that it's just my emotions gone out of whack, and you may be right... But I think that it was the storm before the calm... It was the spiritual fight I had to have to get my current breakthrough. In the quiet dark one night, Josh said to me, " What's going on with you?" In typical 'me' fashion, I told him I wasn't ready to talk about it. 14 seconds later, I'm sobbing again, saying something like, "I feel TOTALLY out of control! I don't even like being a mom! Why would I do this??? (here's the killer.) I feel like I'm turning into my Moooooooommmmmmmmm!" *continue sobbing...*

You may be thinking to yourself, "Why is it bad to be like Joyce Easterday? I mean, come on! She's awesome!" and that's true. But I wasn't talking about her. I was talking about Sherry, my birth mother. She was a great mom, don't get me wrong. But she was a tired, sick, single great mom, and sometimes, it got to be too much. And I was there to collect the steam that was let off.

As a young adult, I used to always say, "I'll never be like my mom! I'll always be calm and loving and have a very quiet voice that commands respect without being scary." Oh, sure... that was before I had the two BIGGEST personalities in the universe packed into tiny bodies entrusted to my care. ANYway, the point I'm trying to make is not about my failure. My wonderful husband reminded me that I am not my mom and I don't have to be perfect, just willing to let God be who He needs to be in my life. Josh spoke Kindness and Patience over me, and reminded me that part of my destiny is raising these little World Changers. I am singularly equipped to be a mom of boys, because that's who God made me to be. And when I feel like I can't, He can. And He chooses to use me. That's cool.

That's not really the point I wanted to make at top of the page, but that one will have to wait for another day...